Stubborn. Obstinate. Contradictory. Ornery.

Good words, all. Makes me think of Amanda's MWOTD.

But actually, these are the words I would use to describe myself today.

You see, a certain friend who shall remain nameless but whose identity you can guess if you've been reading this since the beginning has been incommunicado for the last few days, and it's pissing me off (ornery).

And so I'm returning the favor (stubborn, obstinate), even though it's killing me. Childish? Perhaps. Necessary? Probably.

See, the person I'm referring to is a married man. Someone who I care for very deeply, but who doesn't care for me with the same depth of feeling. He's in the process of trying to negotiate a separation agreement with his wife, and it's been a long, difficult process. She told him a year ago that she wanted a separation, but she expected him to move out. He tried to work on the relationship (that one last desperate, futile effort) and then when he finally said, enough's enough, I want out, she did a 360.

What? You want to divorce me? Oh, boo-hoo! I'm not ready to be divorced. Now give me half of everything including your future earnings.

So, you see, it's been a difficult road. But I thought they were coming to the end of the line, and that maybe we could start to socialize with each other outside of the work day. That was my hope, and it was dashed when he told me that he couldn't come to the party on Saturday. I understand, but you know what? I'm disappointed.

And if this were a real relationship, I should be able to tell him that. But no, I'm like most other women out there - I'm thinking about his feelings and making excuses for him like "He's got so much going on, he doesn't need me giving him a guilt trip about not coming to the party."

As much as I tell myself I'm not waiting around for him, I am (contradictory). Every time I see the new mail icon flash on my desktop I wonder if it's from him. He sent a video file around to several folks at the end of the day yesterday and I didn't acknowledge it. I heard nothing from him last night and nothing today (here I go rationalizing things for him again - I know he told me that he has to be careful about sending email from home; he told his wife that he didn't have email access so he can't let her catch him sending email because she wants to look at his mail file).

You know, I just wish I knew what was going on. Wednesdays are their couples therapy/divorce mediation days, and I'd like to know if any progress has been made. There's a part of me that says it's none of my business and a part of me (contradictory) that says, yes, it is my business and he made it my business when he asked for my advice and when he copied me on the draft of his separation agreement and when he over the course of the last three years has asked me to lunch on a weekly basis and when he confessed to me that yes, he is indeed having a long-distance love affair. Yes, like it or not, I'm part of his marriage.

I'm just at the point where I feel like I've given so much more than I've received from this relationship. And yet I don't want to let it go (stubborn). I've invested too much - too much time and energy and emotion.

I've often said that the one thing I wished I'd learned earlier in life was how to let go. How do you let go of a relationship that isn't working for you anymore? It took me five years to leave my marriage. Maybe I should cut my losses on this one before I get in any deeper than I already am. It's just so damn hard, because it's a basic human need - to be needed. And I'd like to think he needs me.

But maybe the better question is - do I need him?

Public Service Announcement

Attention K-Mart Shoppers:

The name of the popular HBO series is

"Sex And The City"

NOT

"Sex In The City"

Thank you for your attention.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

When To Pay Full Price

Was in the dollar store tonight (got six red wine glasses, three plastic pitchers for pre-mixing martinis and my favorite toothpaste, Aim) and while it is the best dollar store ever, there was at least one item which shouldn't be sold at a bargain price.

Would you trust a dollar store pregnancy test?

Neither Wind, Nor Rain ...

Mail carrier Terry Handy makes his rounds Monday in San Marco, using trash bags for boots.
- JON M. FLETCHER/The Times-Union

Horror of Horrors!

I'm actually working on company time.

And in other news ...

... haven't caught any mice in the glue traps; need to bait?
... I drank my dinner last night
... my sister called on Saturday and I haven't gotten back to her
... it's raining again
... my post counter is stuck at 474
... only 4 days until my martini party!
... I'm bummed that Michelle can't make it to the party
... Michael is bringing a guest; his estranged wife???
... I'm pissed that Phil isn't coming to the party
... I'm totally excited that Erik is coming (and bringing two male friends - fresh meat!)
... I don't think Conan O'Brian is funny and I predict that he will totally flop on "The Tonight Show"
... I don't actually watch any of those late night shows
... The trainer at the gym says I need to burn 500 calories every time I work out in order to lose any weight
... I'm just killing time here waiting to see if Phil wants to go to lunch
...
...
...
... I think I've wasted enough time waiting for Phil

one-upmanship

Michael saw Richard's response and upped the ante with this:

"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."

- James Thurber

Richard Rocks

In responding to my party invitation, Richard wrote:

"When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me."

- William Faulkner

Living In A Fantasy World

Reality bites. I much prefer my fantasy world.

The one where the man I love would notice that I look especially ravishing today and say, "Mmmm, you look especially ravishing today." And then he ravishes me.
The one where I don't have to work for a living.
The one where it's easy to lose that extra ten pounds.
The one where it's 70 degrees and sunny all the time.
The one where I'm not disappointed in myself, my life.
The one where my friends don't have to worry about their health.
The one where I know what I want to do with my life.
The one where I make money by sitting here in front of the keyboard pounding out my thoughts and introspections.

Yeah, well, reality check girlfriend. Actually, I'm not that depressed.

Because the sun is shining and it will be close to 70 degrees today.
Because I live in a cute little cottage and I can walk to work.
Because I have fantastic friends who support me even when I make stupid decisions.
Because I have parents who love me and who have been married for over 40 years.
Because I have money in the bank and I don't need to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

Okay, so the complaint list is longer than the thankful list, but hey, it's a start.

Indulge

I'm indulging myself.

Taste testing the Blue Moon martini. Eh. Guess I'm not much of a gin drinker. But I didn't let that stop me from finishing it.

Watching old episodes of 7th Heaven.

Maybe I'll get around to showering. Or doing laundry. Or doing my filing. Or maybe I'll just sit here and get silly drunk.

Sometimes You Just Need A Good Cry

It's been building all afternoon. I'm not sure why. But it just spilled over.

I needed to cry. I've just had it with everything. My job. My personal life (or lack thereof). The distance between me and my family. I'm blubbering like an idiot, like a pre-pubescent teen right now. It's giving me a headache.

I don't know where I'm headed and that scares me. I mean, come on, the only thing I have to look forward to is this freakin' party next weekend. How lame is that? Maybe it's the alcohol. I finished off the last of the cosmo martinis earlier tonight.

I was at the gym earlier tonight and I just wanted to stay on the machine and go and go until I couldn't go any more but I didn't even have the energy for that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, where I'm going. I almost dropped in on the Ex earlier tonight. I just needed a shoulder to cry on - but I didn't. I knew that the comfort I needed wouldn't be found there.

I've got to pull it up from somewhere deep inside. I know that I have good friends who I can lean on, but I still need to muster the strength from within. Okay, I'm starting to feel better now. I really need to stop drinking during the week - the Cosmos make me crazy. Good to know before the party next week.

Where is that goddamn fairy godmother when you need her?

Picture Perfect

Today is just a picture perfect day. It's nearly 70 degrees, the sun is shining and it's just beautiful. What I wouldn't give to have weather like this year round! There is a possibility that I may take a really long lunch and go for a drive with the top down ...

4:15 pm Alas, the ride with the top down did not materialize.

Update

Kenna: 3
Mouse: 3

Mr. Mouse got bold and came out during the daytime to finish up that half glob of peanut butter and he got caught. I didn't want to look, but I did. His eyes were open and had a surprised and sad expression. The peanut butter clump was hanging out of his mouth. Into the garbage he went - trap and all. I stopped at Home Depot on the way home and picked up glue traps and four new snap traps. I fully expect to fill them all.

The Score

Kenna: 2
Mouse: 3 or 4

Trap #1 was unsprung and the peanut butter was half eaten. Trap #2 was nowhere to be found. It must have sprung and caught part of the mouse and s/he limped off with the trap still attached. I didn't have time to start moving boxes to look for it. And if it was still alive ... leaving it there all day ... well, let's hope it's not alive when I search the basement tonight.

Phil recommends buying a bunch of these cheapo traps and just throwing them away mouse and all instead of removing and rebaiting. Sounds like a plan to me.

In other news ... did I tell you that yesterday the director of HR stopped in for "two seconds" and offered to assist me in my job search? After all, that is his job and he wanted to offer me his 25 years of expertise. Is it just me, or was this a not-so-subtle kick in the ass? "Let me help you find a new job so we can move on ..."

I understand the perspective, but let's call a spade a spade, okay? Don't come to me with an offer of assistance - if you want me to leave sooner rather than later, fine, but what's in it for me? Offer me a buyout, and I'm gone.

And to make matters worse, my ally in the HR office, the one person who I do trust to tell it to me like it is, just got a new job (with a $12,000 increase!!) - and I served as a reference for him. He says he'll keep his eyes open for me, and since he'll be working for central administration rather than here on one of the campuses, at least I can still keep in touch and he can tell me when they are trying to blow smoke up my ass.

The Score

Kenna: 2
Mouse: 2

One dead mouse trap #1. Trap #2 was empty, sprung, and about 2 1/2 feet away from where I placed it. I'm wondering if I caught part of a mouse (tail? paw?) and he dragged it to where he was able to escape. Ugh - now I have to empty and rebait.

How many mice can there possibly be?

A Warm Conspiracy

Kenna: 1 Mouse: 1

Frilly is not the only one.

I've got a mouse in my house. Well, one less mouse.

Over the summer during my absence, my landlord moved a few of my things into the basement, including my buckwheat hull wrap. When I moved back in and found my basket of stuff, the wrap was mysteriously empty. Great eats for mice, no?

So last night the unemployed boy next door helped me set two traps in the bowels of the basement. This morning, the one baited with cheese was there, unsprung, and the cheese was missing. Mouse: 1

The other trap, which had been baited with peanut butter was sprung, and the lifeless mouse was attached. Kenna: 1

Where there is one, there is another. I'm setting the traps again tonight and this time it's peanut butter all the way, baby!

Potent

Just had a cosmopolitan. It's a type of martini. Being the conscientious hostess that I am, I've taken it upon myself to taste test each and every martini that I plan on serving at the party. I only had one and my lips are numb.

Next up: the Blue Moon.

Another 'Hallmark Holiday'

Sunday, September 19 marks the beginning of National Singles Week. So come on, show me some love.

Another Side Of Me

I'm fascinated by geeky things.

(Link courtesy of matt.fotter.com)

Kenna's Been Shopping