Friday, December 09, 2005

Reality Bites

There are some who say that if you listen carefully, the universe will speak to you.

Me, I just got a memo:

TO: Kenna
FROM: The Powers That Be
RE: From This Day Forward

This is to inform you that, for lack of a better phrase, the party is over.

You've been resting and relaxing for seven months now; it's time to get back to work. Please be advised that we have lined up a job for you and you are to report at 8:00 a.m. on Monday, December 12. You've just come back from an amazing vacation wherein you ate, drank, and slept at will. This was a well-deserved trip, and we are delighted that you were in good health and able to enjoy it.

It is because you are in good health that we must require you to return to work. You have been spending beyond your means, and it is time for you to earn an honest living once again. We took the liberty of examining your personal finances while you were gone. Would it surprise you to know that you have bills totalling over $2,000 due by the end of the month? And your unemployment benefits will only net you $729. We do concede, however, that continuing to claim unemployment benefits while you were aboard the Queen Mary 2 was sheer brilliance.

As your reward, we now command you to shovel by hand the 8" of snow that fell overnight. Don't think of it as a punishment - think of it as an opportunity to work off the extra weight you put on during the past two weeks. Seriously, did you think you could have ice cream after lunch every day and not gain a pound or two?

And while you're at it, you need to straighten out your social calendar. Between yoga, your women's group, and the monthly Chamber mixer, you will be gone almost every night next week. We hereby give you permission to say "no" to any request to volunteer for or donate to a charity. Frankly, you have neither the time nor the resources to do so. Instead, you will spend your spare time finishing that lovely series of children's books that you started reading - Harry Potter, isn't it?

Pull out your sweaters and turn down the thermostat. You can't afford such high heating bills, especially since you don't have a housemate this winter. And whatever you do, don't agree to let Michael rent a room from you - he couldn't possibly pay you enough to put up with his bullshit.

One final reminder - only sixteen shopping days until Christmas.

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