Saturday, February 28, 2004

The Morning Line

BP: 138/98

Getting a lot done today. Second personal training session at the gym, dropped off dry cleaning, put away the ceramic Christmas tree and china, and painted 1 1/2 doors.

FX channel is running an Oscar movie marathon. Did "Big" win an Oscar or was it just best actor award for Tom Hanks? Will have to hit the Oscar web site for clarification on that one. It was a cute movie. And now "Wonder Boys" is on - again, what award did that win? I saw it for the first and only time three years ago when I was in a very different place.

I left my husband in August 2000 and was living on my own, not seeing anyone but not really wanting to get back together with my husband either. I would have gone back if he had done anything to show me that he wanted to work on the marriage. Instead, he invited me over one Sunday afternoon after I'd been sick in bed and out of work for a week and I found a woman's watch under the bed. Apparently he had moved on. And forgot to tell me.

The next few weeks were a total blur. Suddenly I was so damn confused I was actually asking my husband to take me back. He told me he needed time to think. And I became consumed with what had gone wrong in our marriage. I made mistakes. Big mistakes. But I wanted him to forgive me. Little did I know...I didn't need his forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself.

It was during this time that I realized how isolated I had become. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I had cut myself off from the people who cared about me the most. I was all alone and one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I had just been to the drugstore or the dry cleaner, I can't remember which, but all of a sudden I just couldn't bear to be alone. I called my friend Cindy from the pay phone and thankfully she was home. I burst into tears and asked if I could come over.

Of course, she said and I went over and cried my eyes out. She listened, and never judged. Every now and then she would ask me a few pointed questions - never telling me what to do, but questioning me to find out if what I said I wanted was what I wanted or only just what I thought I should want. Then she made me dinner, asked me to stay and watch "Wonder Boys" with her and insisted that I spend the night. Thank you Cindy. You were there when I needed you.

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