Sunday, February 29, 2004

I'm Kenna Fearing and I Approved This Message

Super Tuesday coming up and so now I'm seeing the democratic political ads. What's with the "I'm [insert name here] and I approved this message" crap? I mean, it's you on the screen, it's your voice in the audio - why would you be spouting a message that you didn't approve of?

I'm sure it has something to do with political action committees and such, but really, it's just stupid.


Not much of a sports fan, but I have a general idea of what's going on. So A-Rod is now a Yankee, and Matt Lauer interviewed him. I saw a brief clip on Friday, and now it's on Dateline. He's cute as hell and dumb as a doornail. And he's making $250 million dollars. Let's hope he doesn't just piss it all away.


The boy next door is going to Florida to visit his folks for three weeks. He's taking the bus. Only $158 round-trip. Thirty-six hours on the bus but he's 'retired' so he's got time to kill.

Painted the other 2 1/2 doors this afternoon. You can tell they only put one coat of paint on, and they didn't even bother to sand some of them. But they were only upstairs doors where the help would be staying. It's not like they (the owners of the house I'm renting) have to look at them the one month out of the year that they actually live here.

I feel like there was something I was supposed to do this weekend that I've forgotten to do.

Today is my cousin Jim's birthday. He's a leap year baby - one in 200,000. A couple of my radio clocks also have the date on them and they aren't programmed for leap year. Oh well, I don't look to the clock to find out what day it is anyway.

Yesterday I felt really energized after working out in the morning. I wasn't even tired when I went to bed and I didn't fall asleep right away. Today I feel sluggish. Not enough cardio in this morning's workout? Too much sitting on the couch today? Both? Really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I have plenty of things I could be doing around here:

* finish painting the doors and trim
* paint and put together the cubes I bought at Target
* copy those recipes for Ann that she asked for back in October
* keep working on cleaning out the clutter in the spare bedroom (Michelle will be staying in there when she comes up in a few weeks)
* clear the clutter out of the owner's suite
* take down the artificial garlands and wreaths that are still hanging up
* throw away the dead plants on the porch and sweep/mop out there
* paint the basement entryway

Hmm...maybe the list wasn't as long as I thought it was.

The Morning Line

BP: 130/95

Saturday, February 28, 2004

The Morning Line

BP: 138/98

Getting a lot done today. Second personal training session at the gym, dropped off dry cleaning, put away the ceramic Christmas tree and china, and painted 1 1/2 doors.

FX channel is running an Oscar movie marathon. Did "Big" win an Oscar or was it just best actor award for Tom Hanks? Will have to hit the Oscar web site for clarification on that one. It was a cute movie. And now "Wonder Boys" is on - again, what award did that win? I saw it for the first and only time three years ago when I was in a very different place.

I left my husband in August 2000 and was living on my own, not seeing anyone but not really wanting to get back together with my husband either. I would have gone back if he had done anything to show me that he wanted to work on the marriage. Instead, he invited me over one Sunday afternoon after I'd been sick in bed and out of work for a week and I found a woman's watch under the bed. Apparently he had moved on. And forgot to tell me.

The next few weeks were a total blur. Suddenly I was so damn confused I was actually asking my husband to take me back. He told me he needed time to think. And I became consumed with what had gone wrong in our marriage. I made mistakes. Big mistakes. But I wanted him to forgive me. Little did I know...I didn't need his forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself.

It was during this time that I realized how isolated I had become. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I had cut myself off from the people who cared about me the most. I was all alone and one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I had just been to the drugstore or the dry cleaner, I can't remember which, but all of a sudden I just couldn't bear to be alone. I called my friend Cindy from the pay phone and thankfully she was home. I burst into tears and asked if I could come over.

Of course, she said and I went over and cried my eyes out. She listened, and never judged. Every now and then she would ask me a few pointed questions - never telling me what to do, but questioning me to find out if what I said I wanted was what I wanted or only just what I thought I should want. Then she made me dinner, asked me to stay and watch "Wonder Boys" with her and insisted that I spend the night. Thank you Cindy. You were there when I needed you.

Friday, February 27, 2004

No Morning Line

No, I'm not dead - just didn't take my blood pressure this morning. I had packed away my sphygmomanometer so well yesterday that I didn't want to take it out and have to put it away again.

Made excellent time on the return trip. Got to the exit for the Throggs Neck bridge in 17 minutes with nary a slow down and then BAM! Traffic was jammed up on the Whitestone Expressway. Took me 10 minutes to go one mile. Was deep in the heart of Westchester County within an hour. Thought about taking the scenic less-traveled route home, but I knew I would want to stop and stretch my legs and gas up and there are very few opportunities to do that on the Taconic so I stuck to the main roads.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Still Searching

For a perfect pair of red shoes. Strolled around Manhattan this morning with no luck. I can't believe the major department stores don't open until 10:00 a.m. I had seen a pair in Lord & Taylor's when I was down here a few weeks ago, but didn't feel like/have time to try them on then. I walked past L&T this morning at 9:45 and they weren't open yet, so I just walked back to the hotel and got ready to check out. I wanted to hit the road by 11:00 and their not being open (didn't they know I was ready willing and able to make the purchase if they had my size) put me in a bit of a grumpy mood. It didn't help that I didn't have my ear muffs and scarf and the wind was just a bit too nippy.

And I struck out at Roosevelt Field just now too. Nothing in Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Nine West or any other store that struck my fancy. But I did pick up some Clinique - it's Bonus Time! I think I have only bought one tube of Clinique lipstick in my life. The rest I get in the bonus packages and for the most part, I can use them. Some people don't find the shades to their liking, but they usually suit me just fine. Also bought some ridiculously expensive loose tea. I gotta hand it to the sales woman - she reeled me in. I hope she works on commission because if she does she's making a shitload of money.

[Side Note: What is with this supposed high-speed internet connection? I have another window open and nothing is loading.]

As I was strolling around I wondered if I would run into anyone I knew. Hey - it could happen. I know quite a few people from college who live down here, and the Ex has some aunts/uncles/cousins down here too. I was imagining the scene in my head.

"MaryEllen? Is that you? It's me, Kenna, Ex's ... well, ex-wife."

I read this in someone else's blog and didn't think to blogroll it at the time (actually, I think it was pre-blogroll). What is it about your ex in-laws? I thought they liked me and cared about me for me - not just because I was married to Ex. It's like an unspoken part of the settlement agreement - never will my family contact you again. Even if they think you are the most beautiful, kind, caring and intelligent woman when you are married to Ex, as soon as you split - you're persona non-grata.

[Damn - I think I lost my internet connection - nothing will load on the other line. I hope I can salvage this before trying to post and then losing everything I've entered. Yes indeed, it looks like I am now longer connected. Saving to word document...quit the browser, restarted, still no connection. Now I need to set around and wait for engineering to come to my room. I should use this break to do some work...]

5:00 No work done. Just found out there is a f@cking hockey game (Islanders v. Rangers) at the Coliseum next door and so I can't make a reservation for my party of eight. Bite me. It's bad enough that we are all meeting for the first time and no one knows anyone else, now I may have to say, "okay, now let's all get in our cars and drive over to this restaurant so we can actually sit down and talk to each other." Granted, the restaurant is only a mile away, but again these folks are just meeting each other for the first time, they will have been working all day and driving around trying to find a place that will accommodate a party of eight is just going to be a royal pain in the ass.

And oh yeah - my feet are sweating and stinky. Icing on the cake.

The Morning Line

BP: 148/105

Successfully navigated my way into and out of New York City. No bumps, scrapes, bruises or tickets of any kind. Killing a few hours in Long Island until my dinner meeting.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

The Morning Line

BP: 142/100

Heading out of town on business trip; am taking my laptop with me but may or may not blog while I'm gone.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Yeah, Me!

Went to the gym after work and it felt good. Even better, I resisted the urge to do a drive-by of the Ex's. When I read his mail earlier today I discovered that he's out of town and I was wondering if the girlfriend was staying at the house while he's gone. Then I figured, nah. She's got two kids and I'm pretty sure they are with her during the week, so they need to stay in their own damn house in order to get to school in the morning.

I should be packing as I am heading out of town tomorrow. Hey, it's only Tuesday. I just changed the channel expecting to catch the West Wing and instead Frasier is on. I should turn off the tv and the computer and soak in the tub.

Out of Sorts

I'm feeling very out of sorts and I don't know why. I've got several overdue items on my desk and it's gnawing at me. That's probably part of it. That and the fact that I haven't gotten laid in over a month ... guess I'd better get used to that since I broke things off with John. He said he was willing to continue to supply me with all the great sex I wanted, but it just didn't seem fair to him. He was so much more invested in the relationship than I was, and every time we were together it gave him false hope.

There is this crazy part of my ego that can't believe that he could just walk away from me like that. If he cared about and loved me the way he said he did, how could he give up so easily? I have not heard from him in a month - no cards, no letters, no phone calls, nothing on Valentine's Day. I doubt that he has even done a drive-by (something I'm famous for - let's just drive by and see whose car is in the driveway). And yet, isn't this what I wanted?

The Ex is bothering me too. No word from him in like, six months. He took a new job (which I know because unbeknownst to him I still read his email) and didn't even tell me about it. Not that he owes me anything but I thought he meant it when we said we wanted to still be friends. Don't you tell your friends about important things like a new job? I'm half tempted to call him at his new job just to say hello. No, not really.

It's a completely vicious circle - I haven't contacted John or the Ex because they haven't contacted me. Maybe they are sitting at home saying, hey, she hasn't called me so why should I call her? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The Morning Line

BP: 152/105

Monday, February 23, 2004

Myers-Briggs (Or Something Similar) Anyone?

Introverted (I) 58.82% Extroverted (E) 41.18%
Realistic (S) 62.16% Imaginative (N) 37.84%
Emotional (F) 51.35% Intellectual (T) 48.65%
Organized (J) 62.86% Easygoing (P) 37.14%
Your type is: ISFJ
You are a Guardian, possible professions include - counseling, ministry, library work, nursing , secretarial, curators, bookkeepers, dental hygienists, computer operator, personnel administrator, paralegal, real estate agent, artist, interior decorator, retail owner, musician, elementary school teacher, physical therapist, nurse, social worker, personnel counselor, alcohol/drug counselor.
Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test

P.S. Thanks to John Strain for the link.

It Actually Is A Word

in·vag·i·nate Pronunciation Key (n-vj-nt)
tr. & intr.v. in·vag·i·nat·ed, in·vag·i·nat·ing, in·vag·i·nates
To enclose or become enclosed in or as if in a sheath.
To turn or become turned inward.
To infold or become infolded so as to form a hollow space within a previously solid structure, as in the formation of a gastrula from a blastula.

Wow. Try working that one into your everyday conversation.

The Meaning of Fungible

fun·gi·ble (fnj-bl)
Law. Returnable or negotiable in kind or by substitution, as a quantity of grain for an equal amount of the same kind of grain. Interchangeable.

Something that is exchangeable or substitutable. Often used in the plural.

In case you were wondering like Phil and Eric were.

The Morning Line

BP: 140/102

10:24 a.m. Repeat after me: I am stronger than the fattening scone rife with plump cranberries. I am stronger than the fattening scone rife with plump cranberries. I am stronger than the fattening scone rife with plump cranberries. There. The urge has passed.

2:05 p.m. Just because I feel like making fun of someone:

"Right now I'm listening to the 80's cd that Mom burned for me. I LOVE it! Problem with me is that when I get one song that I really like I listen to it over & over...I'm afraid the people at work will get annoyed or think I'm weird."

Yeah, you're weird.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

No More Sex

Just watched the final episode of "Sex and the City." I approve.

The Morning Line

BP: 150/110

Went to the gym this morning and did a round on the nautilus machines. Also spent 15 minutes on the eliptical trainer - I was sweating by the time I got off. Trying to decide if I want to drag my butt out of bed and go again tomorrow morning.

Got my taxes ready to go to the good folks at H & R Block. I've always done my own taxes, but I want to claim some capital losses so I thought I'd let someone else do it this time. Besides, I can deduct the expense on my taxes next year. Being the detail oriented anal retentive type that I am, I practically did the stupid thing already - everything short of writing the numbers in the boxes and signing at the bottom. But I didn't calculate the figures - I want to be surprised by the refund I'm getting. At least, I'm assuming a rather large refund. That will change next year - I'm finally at the point where my withholding is where it should be, so if anything I should have to pay next year.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Now I've Seen Everything

It's the latest thing - a mobile movie theatre!

The Morning Line

BP: 148/105

Well, I did it. I went to the gym for my first personal training session this morning. Warmed up by shoveling the two inches of snow that fell overnight. Will this winter never end?!?

I think the trainer was surprised at how much I could do - and I was too. In fact, I may just get up and go again tomorrow morning! I weighed myself at the gym and did not like what I saw. Of course, I was fully clothed and had my shoes on, but still...even if I can lose just 10 pounds I think it will make a difference in my blood pressure. We'll see.

Friday, February 20, 2004

How To Get Traffic For Your Blog

Mention the names of American Idol contestants, especially Lisa Leuschner who, as I said earlier, got robbed the other night.

UPDATE: There is an online petition asking to invite Lisa back to the wildcard show. Sign it.

That's What I'm Talking About

My So-Called Blog --> article in 1/11/04 NYTimes Magazine

"If this new technology has provided a million ways to stay in touch, it has also acted as both an amplifier and a distortion device for human intimacy. The new forms of communication are madly contradictory: anonymous, but traceable; instantaneous, then saved forever (unless deleted in a snit). In such an unstable environment, it's no wonder that distinctions between healthy candor and ''too much information'' are in flux and that so many find themselves helplessly confessing, as if a generation were given a massive technological truth serum.

...fits of romantic misery, quick-change moods and sardonic inside jokes. Gossip spreads like poison. Diary writers compete for attention, then fret when they get it.

...But the linked journals also form a community, an intriguing, unchecked experiment in silent group therapy -- a hive mind in which everyone commiserates about how it feels to be an outsider, in perfect choral unison.

...filled with these kinds of contradictions: ... wanted ... posts to be read, and feared that people would read them, and hoped that people would read them, and didn't care if people read them."

The Morning Line

BP: 144/108

10:47 a.m. I am so tired; can't stop yawning. Was out too late last night at that event and never had dinner unless you count the reheated spinach artichoke dip from Tuesday night. More later.

1:42 p.m. Just got back from lunch and am trying to keep myself from diving into my co-worker's candy jar. Usually he favors Rolo - you know "Two great flavors in one, ROLO candy is made up of bite size chewy caramel pieces covered with creamy milk chocolate that melt in your mouth."

Apparently Rolo and Mentos are a favorite of cheerleader fund raising programs -- all you need to know about team spirit can be found here. You can also create personalized Rolo candy wrappers for favors at weddings, showers and graduations.

I always wondered how folks did that. And now I have successfully wasted another 20 minutes.

3:20 p.m. Raided another co-workers candy jar and had what appeared to be a leftover Valentine teddy gram. You know the kind - Palmer chocolate type thing. Should have had the Rolos.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Pay It Forward

It just occurred to me that is what this blogging is similar to.

Remember the movie with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley-Joel Osment? The story was that you repay a kindness with a kindness (or was it two, or three?). Anyway, when someone is kind to you, you be kind to someone else and eventually it will come back to you ten fold over. [Also the basis of many a pyramid/ponzi scheme out there, but I digress]

So as I visit a blog, sometimes I take a moment to check out the links to other blogs, and if I like them, I link to them. And then they see that I've linked to them and they check me out and if they like what they see, they link back to me. And then I visit some pages and I see that you've read what I've written and reference it and then I get some more hits and some more links and before you know it, I'm linked 'round the world!

Really, it is fascinating to see how interconnected it is -- and isn't. The neat thing is how it's all voluntary and how much you can tell about someone's interests just by browsing their links. Granted, it's not the whole story, but it gives you a window into someone else's world.

I actually just had lunch with a faculty member who is trying to get others to use blogs to document their experiences as we try to launch a new program, and there is some resistance. How could that be possible - this stuff is INTOXICATING. I can't get enough of it. And it's so friggin' easy too - can you launch a browser and type in a window? Then you can build a web log. It always amazes me how resistant to change educators can be. They have all these degrees but they are afraid to utilize the tools they have at hand.

Maybe I should go back and get certified to teach. Then again, I also just read Phil's CV and personal essay for tenure review. I don't know how he does it - all this committee work and course development and actual teaching time and then they expect you to write and publish on top of that AND pay you peanuts besides? Thanks, but no.

The Morning Line

BP: 148/102

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Lisa Was Robbed!

Can't believe Lisa Leuschner didn't make the cut on American Idol. I hope they have a slot or two where the judges can send someone forward; I think that's happened before. Well, time to hit the sack - trying to get a solid 8 hours.

Don't Read Anything Into This

So I'm in the car with Phil, waiting in line at the McDonalds drive-thru, and somewhat out of the blue he says, "Don't read anything into this, but can you recommend a divorce attorney?"

It was sort of deja vu all over again. Didn't I give him some referrals last summer when his wife first announced she wanted a separation? No matter, I told him what/who I know and left it at that. I was, of course, dying to ask all sorts of questions, but I told him a long time ago that I wouldn't pry but I would always listen whenever he wanted to talk or just blow off steam. Besides, he probably wouldn't have told me anyway.

5:15 p.m. Wow, it's after 5:00 and it's still daylight. There is some light at the end of this winter tunnel after all.

The Morning Line

BP: 148/105

Brian commented that he preferred Group Hug to Not Proud. And now I see it's already in my list of links, but I don't remember putting it there. Can others add to my links or am I just so wiped out and brian dead (purposeful typo in honor of Brian) from driving in a huge circle around the state last Thurs-Sun that I blacked it out?

[barely a minute later] BTW, what's the etiquette on editing my posts? Sometimes I come back in to correct a typo (say it with me - a n a l__r e t e n t i v e (and parens happy, too, I might add)) or to add to a previous post. Should I do that (adding to previous posts; you are not going to stop me from correcting my typos) or should I create a new title and post every time I have something to say?

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

American Idol Stinking It Up Tonight

How could Randy say Camile Velasco was 'awright tonight? Didn't do nothin' for me. One contestant to go - so far Lisa Leuschner was the best. If you want to vote for her call 1-866-436-5705. Marisa Joy is okay - to vote for her call 1-866-436-5708.

Not Proud

Check it out:

Wow. I'm way more normal than I thought.

Wisdom From the 44 Year Old Boy Next Door

How To Impress A Woman:

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

.............. How to impress a man:

* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings ... Don't block the TV

Sometimes I Hate Being A Woman

BP: 150/105

Like today, when I woke up with a hormone headache. You know the type - tight band around your head that you sometimes get when it's that time of the month. With all the pounding, it's no wonder that my blood pressure is so high. Popped 800 mg of ibuprofen around 6:30 a.m. (should have gotten up sooner but I was hoping it would go away - should have learned by now, they never go away!) and waited 45 minutes for the reverb to subside before getting in the shower. I should have just stayed home and slept it off.

Monday, February 16, 2004

My Day Off

So what have I accomplished today? Went to yoga this morning, returned rental car, went to the gym and signed up, drove by the consignment shop (closed), went to the grocery store and the car wash. When I drove by the office I saw Phil's car and so I called him when I got home. He sounded happy to hear from me and almost immediately apologized for not sending me a Valentine's card. "I went to seven or eight times and kept getting distracted." I was a little surprised that he felt the need to admit this and apologize to me. After all, I didn't send him a card either. It almost meant more to have him not send the card and apologize than if he'd sent the card in the first place!

Killed a few hours browsing blogs and seeing if I had any action on and got sucked into two chat sessions. There's a match sponsored wine tasting event later this week, and all the female tickets are gone but not the male tickets. Figures - there will be twice as many women as men there. Could be funny though - I'd love to just go around with a list of usernames:

"So, has anyone ever corresponded with or met Timothy232323?" According to our profiles, we are a perfect match. I emailed him on three separate occasions (yes, I am being proactive) and he never even acknowledged that he had received the messages. If he's not interested, just say so and I won't bother him again.

And what's the deal with Esperanza and Cardio Expert? Both returned my wink, but then when I emailed them - nada. If they weren't interested, why bother with returning the wink? Maybe they aren't used to a woman actually taking the first step. Whatever. It amuses me.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Remember The Titans... now playing on the Disney channel (mental note: check price of Disney stock; if it's still up and you can make a profit, sell). Just killing time until Sex and the City comes on. So it's the day after V-Day and I didn't hear anything from John. I've purposely been not contacting him, and now it's been three weeks since I've seen or heard from him. Unless he sent flowers to the office.

Part of me is disappointed, and part of me understands. I ended it because I didn't feel the same way about him that he felt about me, and that was the right decision. But it was nice having someone who adored me and who thought I could do no wrong. Well, for awhile, anyway.

Spent the weekend with my folks and the whole fandamily came over for dinner last night. My brother had news - he just got engaged. I was the last one to know and my brother wanted to tell me in person, but my cousins let the cat out of the bag when they asked me what I thought of Joe's news - I pretty much guessed. This will be marriage #2 for him; # 1 for her. They've been together for five years, so hopefully they know what they are doing. I just don't want to see Joe hurt again. I want to be sure that he's not marrying her because he didn't know how to break up with her.

9:43 I'm on a roll now! Just discovered the wonders of BlogRolling. No more manually updating my links. Cool. Also just realized that I left the tea kettle on for nearly an hour - got that to a rolling boil !! Stupid thing doesn't whistle if you've left the lid/cover up, as I had.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Free Shoes

So I was still on the road today - I had three appointments; one at 9:00, an 11:30 lunch and a 3:00 appointment. I'm pretty familiar and comfortable in this city, so I shopped in between appointments. Went into the mega huge discount shoe place looking for a pair of red shoes. I have an adorable pair of red shoes that are like, ten years old. They've served me well and it is time to put them out of their misery.

So I was there when the door opened at 10:00 a.m. and I knew I had an hour to kill. Took my time and strolled slowly up and down each aisle so as not to miss anything. Didn't find the right red shoes, but I picked up a very cute little black bag that I can use when I got to fancy overpriced fund-raising cocktail parties. Tried on one pair of blue pumps and thought I had a winning pair, but then in the next aisle over I found a pair that was even more comfortable for the same price. Time to pick up a tote bag to lug my loot around.

I'm wearing the pumps I plan on buying, because the only way to find out if you like shoes is to wear them. Finished the shoe aisles and meander into the boot section. I just bought a pair of lightweight hiking boots at an end of season sale a few weeks ago, so I really didn't need anything in that section, but since I had the time, I kept looking.

Usually it's hard to find my size in discount places like this, so I was surprised to see a fairly large stack of Merrells - and they had my size in blue, black AND brown. I've heard that these are some of the most comfortable shoes out there, so I tried them on. And it's true, they are like butter! So I decided to treat myself and wore the blue ones up to the counter.

I was having such a good time I started chatting with the cashier, and even agreed to let them put my name on their mailing list. I asked her which color she would have gotten, just trying to be sure that I'd made the right color choice (I'm not used to having choices!).

"Will that be cash or credit card?"

Credit card, of course.

"Your total is $62.87."

My jaw dropped and I blurted out "For all this?" Something must have been on sale because the Merrells alone were more than that. I wondered if she had forgotten to ring something up...but I didn't say anything. I checked my receipt in the car, and sure enough, I had not been charged for the Merrells.

And I started the car and drove away.

I know it was wrong. It's not like I can't afford to pay for the shoes. I should have gone back in. But I didn't. I'm spending the weekend with my parents and I told them about my 'good fortune.' They scolded me, as I knew they would. My parents are as honest as the day is long. They raised 4 kids on not much, and I'm sure that they would never have left the store without paying for an item - even though they were never as financially secure as I am.

Guess I'm going to have sit and stew on this one for awhile.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Missing Mary

I am missing my friend Mary tonight. We usually get together on Thursday nights to watch Survivor, but I'm out of town on a business trip so it's just me. I thought about not watching, but since I screwed up my VCR last week, I couldn't count on taping it.

It's freakin' cold in this hotel room; my feet are freezing. And while I appreciate the free high-speed internet connection in my room, the ethernet cord is way too short and I'm confined to the corner of the room near a drafty window.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

How High Is Too High?

I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual check-up. Everything was hunkey-dorey with one notable exception. It seems that my blood pressure readings were a bit high. They clocked me at 140/90 when I should have been doing 120/80. Had this been the first time my heart was racing, we might have shrugged it off. But I had a similar reading in November, so the good doctor wants me to monitor it.

I didn't think it was such a big deal, and I had already started to watch my salt intake, but I emailed my Mom, telling her that my blood pressure was a little high and she responded saying "140/100* is dangerously high for someone your age" and she reminded me that I have hypertension on both sides of the family.

* 140/100 was the reading I got when I checked my BP this morning upon waking up.

So, I'm not going to freak out or anything, but I am going to pay attention to this. If I increase my physical activity and drop a few pounds, I'm hoping it will make things right again. I don't want to start taking medications - if I can remedy this without drugs, I will.


That's what this blogging is. I'm consumed with checking in with my favorite bloggers to see what's happening in their world (LA [the state], Madrid, "Madstop" and now Toronto) and I marvel at their prolific posts. How/when do they find the time? Are they, like me, using company time and equipment?

Last night I noted that I wanted to explore a number of topics, anonymity being one of them. I created this blog using a pseudonym to protect the guilty (mostly me) and yet - it's a freakin' blog! Out there for the whole world to read. How anonymous is that? Some people use their real names and post real stories about their families, friends and lives. They even invite those very same family and friends to read their blogs and link back to their loved ones pages. That takes guts.

It's so ironic - I do have something to say and I want to get it off my chest but I don't want anyone to know about it and at the same time I'm checking my site counter to see who's been reading my stuff and brazenly challenging/daring the few regular readers I have to leave comments so I know that they've been there and have heard what it is that I want to say.

And that brings me to another topic I wanted to explore - isolation. How is it that I am so alone? I have family and friends, yes, but for whatever reasons I don't feel I can open up to them. I am in a very real sense, isolated. How/why is it that I seemingly value the feedback of strangers than those who are supposedly close to me? Why do I not want my family and friends to know that this is me? When I told Susan I'd starting blogging, she asked for the name of the site and I refused to give it to her. I want to share -- and yet I want to keep it all to myself.

Check out what the sponge had to say about it. For now, 'nuf said.

Too. Many. Passwords.

I can't keep track of them all - one user name for this, another for that, an assigned code for yet another and then, on top of it all - different passwords for each account! I'm thinking I need to go through and set all my passwords to the same thing. Don't worry, I'll use the randomly generated and assigned password given to me here at work that enables me to log in to the alumni database but not my webmail, and certainly not the one that I use to reserve a conference room. It's all about security, you know. God forbid anyone access my account - at least anyone other than BP. He swears that he doesn't read my email, that the stamps I see in the user access log are just routine maintenence scripts he's running but if that's the case, why doesn't everyone else have them? Tech support sucks.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Topics For Future Exploration

"Why are you swimming in my wading pool?" (Enid [Candace Bergen] to Carrie [Sarah Jessica Parker] on Sex and the City)
My job isn't who I am, it's what I do.
Goals - working toward them, maintaining the momentum needed to achieve them.
"Your performance was a bit like Chinese food - left me hungry for more" (or something like that) -- Simon Cowell
Stereotypes/Louisianna bloggers and how surprised I am that I like them so much. [guaranteed to elicit a comment from John Strain!]

Can I buy you a double cheeseburger? :-)

I love getting email from Phil.

So we went to lunch together and had (you guessed it) cheeseburgers at McDonalds. Well, he had two Big Macs and I opted for the slightly healthier buffalo chicken wrap at the soup & salad place next door at the food court. Phil is, to use a college phrase, my lust-man. I totally lust after him. I won't say that he is perfect, because by now I should know that there is no such thing, but he comes as close to being the perfect man for me as I have ever seen.

He's tall, dark and handsome - and those aren't even his best qualities! He's clever, witty, intelligent, sensible, practical, handy (around the house and with all things mechanical), and ... married.

Monday, February 09, 2004


Having a hard time concentrating at work today. The good news is that I have a kick-ass trip planned for later this week. The bad news is that I have a kick-ass trip planned for later this week. Preparing for a trip can be hell, especially when you've got something going on every night after work. I'm just whining ...

So did I tell you that I still read the Ex's email? There, I've said it. I still read his email and he doesn't know. In some ways, I feel I'm entitled. After all, he invaded my privacy by reading my journal back in 1996, and then followed that up by reading my email in 1999 ... I learned from the master.

One of these days, though, I've got to stop doing it. It's not healthy. And besides, most of the time it's not all that interesting. Sort of lends credence to Mary's observation that he lacks depth. He gets the occasional email joke from his mom, his aunt or his boating buddy. Once a month he gets an online billing notification from the cell phone company (haven't been able to crack into that account) and he's on his fraternity listserv. Only rarely does the girlfriend email him anymore - presumably because they see each other regularly.

Reading his email is the only way I knew that he'd taken a new job - let's see, that's the second move in just a little (under?) a year. He's still searching for something and I don't know what it is. And I have to ask - do I care?

Sunday, February 08, 2004


Yesterday was a full one. I spent the morning and early afternoon at a series of seminars/workshops for women. It's an annual thing sponsored by a (surprise) women's group I belong to. Despite the lack of testosterone at the event, I learned plenty about men and women.

The keynote speaker almost set women's lib back 40 years. I'm glad she was proud of breastfeeding her son, but the image she painted of practically non-stop milking for the first two years of his life was one I could have done without. Heard that a woman I used to work with is now separated from her husband. Not sure why I smirked and felt just a little bit of glee. She just always struck me as someone who was a climber, always trying to be something and someone she wasn't. Always portraying the life of perfection - perfect marriage, perfect job, perfect husband, perfect pregnancies, perfect kids. So she was just in denial longer than I was - and I was in denial for a long time.

I found that out when I moved on to the second event of the day, a planned parenthood fund-raiser that I have attended for years. My friend Mary and I went together and afterwards, with her tongue loosened by three glasses of wine, she told me that my Ex lacked depth. Ouch. But how right she is. Amazing how clearly you can see things in retrospect.

"Oh, come on Kenna, admit it. He just was ... blah. You couldn't have a conversation with him. He totally lacked conviction."

He was superficial. Everything had to be just so with him. The wedding, the house, the boat, the car he drove. I was just another accessory, something that complemented his view of how his world should be. And don't get me wrong - he's not a bad person, you won't find anyone who will say that he is. He just ... I don't know, it's almost like he is incomplete. He never finished becoming a whole person. Does that make sense? Even with the suffering and pain that came with our separation and divorce, I'm still not sure he's allowed himself to feel the pain.

Friday, February 06, 2004

Readers! I've Got Readers!

It's so nice to hear from you. Hope I can live up to the standards that you all have set.

Attended a seminar in NYC yesterday, and the speaker used to work at CalTech. He mentioned the JPL several times, and I knew I knew what that stood for, but I just couldn't recall the acronym. Jet Propulsion Laboratory. That's it. I knew it would come to me eventually.

Here I am, slouched on the couch again. It snowed and rained today and it's just nasty outside. I kept telling myself I should get on the treadmill, but instead I'm watching "Dateline" and David Gest talking about how Liza Minelli beat him up. I'd MUCH rather be watching last night's episode of "Survivor" but I mistakenly taped FOX instead of CBS. GRRRRR! Guess I'll just have to hit the web site to see who got voted off the island.

Pretty pathetic - my life revolves around reality television.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Back Fat

There's a reason we don't have wrap-around mirrors in our homes. Because then we could see our back fat. If that mental image doesn't frighten you, try this one. Actually, I appreciate the humor.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Before They Were Stars

I love it when I see current celebrities in the roles they had before they were famous. Just caught Matt LeBlanc in a guest starring role on "Married With Children"

On another note, bye-bye to Bill. He started his blog the same day as me and I liked his rant about stupid drivers, but since then - nothing. As Simon Cowel says "Off you go."

4:39 a.m.

The phone rang at 4:39 a.m. this morning.


"Hello ..." [and then the computer generated voice cuts in] "please enter the code 4 - 9 - 5"

What? I'm not about to enter any codes. It's dark and I don't even know which button will hang up on this crank caller. I hang up. The phone rings again. I don't even bother to say hello, just "I'm not entering any codes!" This time I'm asked for a different code. I hang up.

Can you believe it? The phone rings a third time. Now I'm pissed. I answer but do not say a word. Computer asks for a code again and still I do not speak. A few moments later, the computer voice says "the calling party has hung up." Good riddance. I leave the phone off the hook a few minutes longer so he'll get a busy signal and move on to his next intended victim.

Was this one of those phone scams? If I had entered the code, would the caller have been able to make long distance calls on my dime? Would he have been able to charge things to my phone bill? Who knows?

7:05 p.m. Wow, I'm impressed. Had a message from Verizon when I got home. They monitor fraudulent activity and called to tell me that they noticed the three phone calls, originating from the Phillipines. It sound like it was an attempt to place a collect call, so they've placed a block on those types of calls to my phone line.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

The Beatles

The Beatles 'invaded' the U.S. forty years ago. I'm still too young (okay, barely, but too young nevertheless) to remember what all the hoopla was about. The Beatles broke up in 1970 when I was five years old, so I don't remember the impact they had. I remember when John Lennon was murdered in 1980, and even then I wasn't sure why people were making such a big deal about it.

I may not have been influenced by The Beatles, but I know that music has had a big impact on my life. There are certain songs that are touch stones for me (don't judge my musical tastes here ...):

...listening to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 and actually writing down the songs in a notebook to see how things were moving in the charts (this was long before the internet!)
...Laura Branigan's "How Do I Live Without You" brings to mind my first break-up in high school.
...Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album was just huge as I left high school and went to college in the early/mid 1980s.
...I used to listen to George Michael/Wham as I was riding my bike the summer after graduating from college. I can still envision where I was on my customary route as each song played on my walkman (how passe is a walkman in this day and age!). I always smiled when "Last Christmas" came on at the end of the tape - it was summertime and Christmas was months away.
...I was in a complete and total Melissa Etheridge rut in the early nineties as I realized my marriage wasn't turning out to be everything I wanted.

In the last few years I've turned to the internet like so many others out there. I trade songs with Phil, and sometimes I think he's just testing me when he asks me to find certain songs. Sometimes I look to impress like recently when I found a live concert recording of Sister Hazel doing a cover of "Leaving On A Jet Plane."

In fact, I considered (and may still change) giving my blog the subtitle of "The Soundtrack of My Life" I think the media is finally clued in to how important a soundtrack can be. And "Ally McBeal" started it all - sure, there was background music in a lot of television programs, but not until "Ally McBeal" did a television show spawn (I like that word) its own soundtrack. Now, every time you turn around there is a soundtrack. I own the soundtrack to "Remember the Titans" only because it was the movie that John and I watched just before we had sex for the first time.

I actually played a role in the "Ally McBeal" phenomenon. Really. Why do you think the Original Vonda Shepard Web Site is at the top of my links list?

Monday, February 02, 2004


That's what I need a healthy dose of.

I'm in the fund raising biz (er, excuse me, I believe the latest politically correct term is "institutional advancement") and it's my job to convince little old ladies to let me into their homes so I can convince them to leave a little something to the charity I work for. It's not going well.

I'm a nice young woman, not threatening at all, but they really don't want to meet with me - in their homes, in public, anywhere. It's frustrating because the charity needs private $ more than ever so there is pressure on me to find it, but I can't force them to meet with me! So the persistence is needed to keep on trying and at the very least I'll be able to say that I tried and failed and it wasn't a case of failing to try.

11:02 a.m. Wow! How do you like that! I just got an appointment with a hot prospect. Not a little old lady, but a 72 year old man (why don't we say "little old man" I wonder?).

3:18 p.m. Will wonders never cease?! Guess I got me a big ole pot of persistence. Just secured an appointment with a little old lady, age 77, who actually said "I'm so glad you called!"

10:59 p.m. Up late, past my bedtime but I just scored code for comments! It's not pretty, but it works.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

What About Paul?

So you're probably wondering about the last few lines of my previous post. Here's the scoop.

Paul was married to Julie, a college friend of my Ex. Once upon a time when we were all still married to each other, we used to hang out every now and then. Paul is an attractive guy, but there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on. I was just always a little unsure of his actions, a little bit uneasy around him.

So three and a half years ago, I left the Ex. Was doing pretty well on my own; at one point Paul helped me with some heavy lifting, we went skiing one time. That was it. Haven't really kept in touch with him or Julie. Last August the Ex tells me Julie and Paul are getting a divorce. Turns out she finally found out that he was cheating on her (something he admitted to me three years ago on that ski date). She wasted no time - found out in Jan and divorced by Sept. Very different from the three year process I went through to get my divorce (much more on that some other time).

So Paul has contacted me via email a few times since then, and last week we finally got together for a drink to catch up. He's living in a camp at the lake even though he owns a townhouse here in city ("I bought it for $85,000 and the realtor says he could sell it for $180,000; I'm renting it out and making $600/month on it") But it's a small camp the commute is hell - he's got an hour and half drive each way. And here I am in my four bedroom/five bathroom house within walking distance of work.

On Weds I got an email from Paul asking if I was going to happy hour again on Thurs. He was in Baltimore but should be passing through around 7:30 - was I up for a drink? I knew that 1) his flight would be delayed - it's January in the northeast, be real and 2) he was looking to spend the night.

So the flight is delayed, he doesn't get to the airport until 9:00 and doesn't knock on my door until 9:45. I told him I wasn't going anywhere but he was welcome to have a beer. He has a beer and an hour later I'm yawning and wondering when he'll leave or ask to stay. He never really asked, I had to bring it up ("Time for you to get going?") and he's like "Is it?" and gives me this look. I was annoyed. I have no problem letting a friend crash, but he wouldn't come out and ask.

Then we get upstairs (after I make it clear that he is staying in the guest room) and into bed and he's in the other room calling out my name. " to me." "Kenna - are you asleep?" How juvenile is that? The first time I responded, but then I tried to convince myself that he'd made a call on his cell and was talking to someone else. He wasn't. Finally he gets out of bed and knocks on my door. "Can I come in?" "Five minutes."

"I just want to snuggle. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"There's a teddy bear in there, if you want to snuggle, snuggle with that."

I just knew that if I fell for that 'I just want to snuggle' line and let him crawl under the covers, the next thing I'd have his hands in inappropriate places and he'd be pressing his hard-on against me, trying to find a way to worm his way inside me. When he'd told me he was cheating on Julie, he told me that part of the reason was that he just has this incredible sex drive. He just needs it - a lot. What, did he think he'd be doing me a favor?

I left my husband 3 1/2 years ago. I'm doing just fine on my own, thank you very much. I don't need anyone playing petty little childish games with me. Paul's not welcome here anymore.