Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Sorting Things Out

I'm feeling out of sorts.

It's a whole jumble of things.  Work.  My personal life.  My living situation.  Life in general.

I just can't seem to focus.  I have no direction.  I know I will feel better if I can just accomplish something, but I don't know where to start.  Well, maybe I do know where to start, but I don't want to.  I just need a big time out.  In some ways I wish that my job had ended on June 30 and I didn't have to keep showing up here every day, pretending like everything is the same.  Because it's not. 

I'm in the middle of an identity crisis.  I don't know who I am or who I want to be.  In some ways I feel like a kid in high school, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Well, guess what?  I'm all grown up and I still don't know what I want to be.

I'm old enough and smart enough to know that what I do for a living doesn't define who I am as a person.  But it's very hard to differentiate the two.  Especially when I look through the classifieds and say, "Hmm, that sounds interesting" and one of my friends says "You don't want to do that."  How do they know?  I've had it with the "fast track" job.  I'm perfectly happy with my salary and benefits as they are.  I could even take a pay cut if I wanted to.  How do they know that's not what I want to do?

Ultimately, I need to define this for myself and then stick to my guns and not allow anyone else to sway me with what they think is best for me.  Where were they when I was suffering in a miserable marriage?  I know it will all work out, but at the moment, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Where's my knight in shining armor when I need him?

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