Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Trust Me, It's For Your Own Good

(Courtesy of the 'executive secretary' in office who wears a pound of eyeliner and mascara each and every day):

Just a friendly reminder, it's that time of the year again. Please raise
your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I
wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and
touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.  And the sides and
tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.  I
will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother,
sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to place
hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr.
Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price
of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This
is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others.  No one can walk
properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone
down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and
begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks
me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that
her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work
and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip
and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to
slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and
have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny).I say spend
another $15.00 and get a even better one.

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of
wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...

For all our sakes, please don't keep this to yourself - pass it on to other

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