Saturday, April 17, 2004

A Weight Has Been Lifted

So after driving three hours south, making three visits and driving three hours north again yesterday, I decided enough is enough. I confronted the Ex.

Drove by the house on my way back to town and saw his car in the driveway. Went around the corner and called to be sure he was alone and that he wasn't expecting anyone. Stopped by. Saw my cat for the first time in eons and of course he remembered me. And of course the Ex still hasn't taken him to the vet since before I left almost four years ago (can it be that long? Why have I still not recovered from this? I'm the one that left!).

Told him that I knew he had a new job and why didn't he tell me himself? It wasn't on purpose, he just ... had no real reason or answer except to say that the last few times we talked I had seemed angry. I don't recall that at all, but even if I was, so what? And of course I knew - he's an avoider. If there is any conflict or controversy involved, he can't handle it. Which is why he hasn't taken the cat to the vet - he's afraid that there is a chance that something might be wrong, and he can't handle it. He's an emotional cripple. No, wait. He's emotionally dead.

So why am I upset by this? Maybe it's because I couldn't bring him to life. I spent what, almost thirteen years with the guy, and while he goes through the motions, he doesn't really FEEL what is going on around him.

I let myself get sucked into his game. I stopped contacting him because he hadn't contacted me. It was a vicious circle. I even said to myself at one point, maybe he hasn't contacted you because you haven't contacted him. But that's not totally true. I sent him an e-card for Christmas, and another for his birthday in early March. He didn't react to, respond to or even simply acknowledge either one.

So why do I bother? This guy obviously doesn't extend himself to anyone - why should I bother extending myself to him? Who knows. Maybe it's guilt. Because I cheated on him. Twice. And even then he didn't react. We just kept leading our parallel lives. I deserve more than that. And I shall have it, dammit.

We ended up going out to get something to eat and eventually the conversation got around to the other people in our lives. I asked if he was still seeing the girlfriend. "Sort of." How in the hell do you sort of see someone? "Well, I work, she works, and she's got the girls. We just don't get to see each other that often." Wow. How/why does she put up with it? Is she that desperate for a man in her life that she'll tolerate sort-of being a part of his life? Apparently. Then again, remember what we're dealing with here, folks -- emotionally dead man.

The Ex asked about John and I told him we weren't seeing each other any more and why. "He was much more commited to the relationship than I was. I told him that I didn't see myself making a commitment to him, and I knew that he was just hoping I would change my mind. It wasn't fair to him so I broke it off." HINT HINT Hello - you've been "sort-of" seeing this woman for three years ... shit or get off the pot.

Deep cleansing breath.

In other news ...

I slept fairly well last night but was wide awake at 6:15 a.m. Got up and went to the gym. Worked up a sweat. Now I'll have to shower before I go volunteer at the habitat for humanity project at 11:00. Haven't made it home yet - stopped in the office to use computer and swap some files.

Laptop still busted. Guy at BestBuy told me yesterday that he can't even order Dell parts. Some shit with their not being preferred providers or whatnot. I really need access to the computer. Will be blogging at the library if I can't get it fixed (don't worry Brian, I won't let a faulty flex cable get in my way - I do appreciate your Paris posts).

Taking Monday off to go to career counselor and career fair. Starting my self-examination in earnest. Got my notice of non-renewal in the mail yesterday.

First great weekend of spring coming up ... I'm going to go out there and make the most of it. Ta for now.

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