Thursday, March 25, 2004


So I got a pep talk, but not from Mike. From Phil.

After lunch we shared a ride back to the office, and as usual I made an innocent comment which Phil found a way to turn into sexual innuendo. And I lost it. I was just annoyed and pissed and I blew up at him in the parking lot. He was taken a bit aback, and I just left it at that. I couldn't even speak. So I sent him an email message:

"Sorry for the outburst -- my patience is stretched a little thin lately. Here's the thing -- knowing that you're not attracted to me in "that way" (and believe me, I do know that) can sometimes make it difficult for me to participate in reparte filled with sexual innuendo. And today was one of those days. Beyond that, I've tried to be open and honest with you in every way and it's frustrating when I feel like you're not taking me seriously or when you make light of my feelings. I treasure and value your friendship - I'd just like to know that those feelings are reciprocated."

And later, a much subdued Phil found me in the bar and bought me a drink. And we talked. Really talked. He acknowledged my feelings (really, that's all I wanted!) and I could tell that he was truly upset to think that he had hurt my feelings. He's going through a lot in his marriage and there are so many things on his mind - some things that he could share with me and other things that he can't talk about. And I understand that. I've respected his privacy in these regards, and he acknowledged that and thanked me for that. And since he was actually listening to me, I told him about some of the things that have been bothering me.

I wish it could be like this all the time, but I know it won't be. We lead separate lives and I'm never going to get any closer than I was today. Eventually one of us is going to move on, without the other. But I'm not going to worry about that now. I'll deal with it when the time comes. Right now I've got to figure out what to do about that stupid message I sent to Mike.

No comments:

Post a Comment