Tuesday, March 16, 2004

How Can It Be Wrong When It Feels So Right?

Just spent some quality time with Phil. Just when I think my lust has subsided, we spend an hour or two together and I'm back to thinking "he's the one."

It's so comfortable and easy with him. He even has a nickname for me that no one else uses and every time he says it I feel all warm inside. He told me things that he hasn't shared with anyone else and he asked my opinion. That's what I want - someone who shares things, who asks for my opinion and listens to what I have to say. It doesn't matter if he agrees with me or not as long as he respects my viewpoint. Yes, Phil has his drawbacks and character flaws - don't we all? But if I could build me the perfect man, I'd use Phil as my model. Maybe then I'd finally get to see him naked. Can you believe it? I am totally in love with this man and we have never been intimate with each other. I've never kissed him or even held his hand.

He asked me about John today - tried to make a light-hearted comment about "oh, don't worry about the snow, I'm sure John will help you with the shoveling since the boy next door is out of town" and I reminded him that, no, John will not be around to help because I sent him packing, remember?

"You really haven't seen him?"


"That's good. I mean it's probably the best thing - for you but most of all for John."

True, but chances are John doesn't see it that way. So, tonight it's just me. No John. No boy next door. Just me and an as yet-to-be-determined pile of snow. Maybe if I wear myself out shoveling I'll be able to pass out and I won't feel the aching loneliness inside.

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