Thursday, May 20, 2004

Giving Up The Ghost

In recent weeks I've been toying the idea of auditioning for one of my favorite shows, Survivor. I downloaded the application form and have been thinking about what I would do for my 3 minute video.

If ever there was a perfect time in my life to do something like this, it's now. I'm single, no kids and am unhappy with my job. I've got nothing to lose. If I were selected I'd ask for a leave of absence from work. If they refused, I'd just quit. Hell, they're going to let me go next June anyway. But really, they would be smart to give me the leave.

I'm in fairly decent shape, physically. But when it comes down to it, this isn't survival of the fittest. It's survival of the smartest and with my relationship skills, I'm pretty sure I could convince 15 strangers to give me that $1,000,000.

I had the video sketched out in my head:

- a quick welcome/intro

"Hi, my name is Kenna, I'm 39 years old and divorced. I don't have any kids and I hate my job so I want to be a survivor because I've got nothing to lose."

- cutaway to me in the car, pulling up in front of the Ex's house

"This is where my Ex lives. I used to live here too, but I walked out four years ago. I left everything - my marriage, the house, the boat and the cat. [slight pause and wry smile] I miss the cat."

- cutaway to me in front of my office

"This is where I work. It's a great location - I can walk downtown for lunch or to go to the bank or the post office. I've got a sweet deal here. I make good money and I don't really work all that hard. But if I have to visit one more 86 year old lady with a broken hip, I'll scream."

- cutaway to me going into my rented house; I join my friends on the sofa

"So guys, tell me what you think? Can I make it on Survivor?"

Friend 1 asks, "It's a long 39 days. What are you doing to prepare yourself?"

"I've been going to the gym for several months now [video fades to show me pressing 180 pounds with my legs and working on the bicep machine - the biceps, by the way, are visible but only slightly larger than golf balls] and I'm getting stronger every day. If I make it to the next phase in the interview process, I'm going to stop showering on weekends and not use deodorant. I might even try sleeping out in the yard."

Friend 2 asks, "What about the house? Who's going to take care of things while you're gone?"

"Glad you asked because I was hoping you could help me out there. I'll ask the unemployed boy next door to keep an eye on the house and trucklet, but I'd like you to take care of my finances. I'll leave you my checkbook with several signed, blank checks and have my mail forwarded to you. If you could pay my bills, that would be great."

"And believe it or not, applying to be a contestant on Survivor is forcing me to do a few things that I've been meaning to do anyway, like renew my passport. I'm also going to finally create a will. Not that I think anything will happen to me, but you never know."

Friend 1 says "Well, I think you're ready Kenna. Go for it."

I look in the camera and say "Yes, I think I am ready. I think I have what it takes to be the ultimate survivor. I've got everything to gain and nothing to lose. Except about 20 pounds. And if that happens, then I can fit into the red dress again [I hold up photo of me in slinky red dress taken three years ago when stress from my separation caused me to lose 30 pounds in three months - I was high school skinny!] and I'll really be happy!"

Fade to credits/bloopers - the bloopers by the way, will be a mix of real and staged. I'm sure in the process of filming I'll flub my lines more than once, but I planned on filming a couple of goofy things like me tripping over my own feet or getting the hiccups while I'm trying to talk etc. The credits would give thanks to my cameraman and editor, would include a shout out to my Survivor buddy Mary and special thanks to Phil for being the "E" in my PIE (I throw that in there so the producers have something to ask me about in the face to face interview) as well as to my boss, for not renewing my contract and forcing me to seek new challenges.

Yes, I think that with an audition tape like that, there is no doubt that they would call me in for a face-to-face meeting.

But it's not going to happen. Because it's only a dream and I'm giving up the ghost. I've just got too many other things going on to pull this all together in the next three weeks.

But it was fun while it lasted, if only in my dreams.

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